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Erm-- that sentence is grammatically correct as it is currently punctuated, I believe.
But thank you both for the feedback.
seriously I can say I enjoyed it as a poem, the title in the first place is not attractive and am not sure potrays the whole theme of the poem. I would have known if I have an hint of what the poem is about, from your use of love at first I thought it was a beautiful story about love but as i read on I didnt know what to think anymore.
Also, there was lack of punctuations in lots of places I had to used my mind to create them and it probably wont be where you had want it to be for example
"You move too quickly in my creaking sight
for me to understand that what I see
as a flock of birds in noisy flight--
slices of movement opening"
Lacks any form of puntuation and its just too mucg of words to explain one point in a poem.
I think with a little more effort you will create a near perfect poem.
...whoa... very deep, and sad.